Please, God...

You know how, in those desperate moments, you make deals with God? I did it a lot when I was a kid. "Please God, I promise to be nice to even people I hate if you..." and then I'd make my wish. A God wish I'd call it.

I'm doing the God wish constantly these days. "Please God, I promise to volunteer at a homeless shelter if you elect Obama as president." Or after last night's speech that I refused to listen to (Palin's voice grates my nerves), but had to listen to anyway this morning as it was played over and over on the radio. "Please God, do not let this crazed woman and her sleazey presidential nominee get elected. I'll do anything."

The only trouble is that I can't come up with a deal strong enough to match my desire. I promise to...what? I feel so adamant about the evilness of the McPlain ticket that none of my offers for restitution feel powerful enough that god would grant me my wish. I've donated money to the Obama campaign, I've sent out emails and articles, I even had a sign in my yard until someone stole it, but I know this God wish requires a huge sacrafice on my part and I can't think of anything big enough.

I don't smoke so I can't give that up. I don't drink so that's not on the chopping block. I could give up chocolate, but that isn't exactly evil, at least not to anyone my waist. I could volunteer somewhere or donate money to some great cause (other than the Obama campaign), but it all feels trivial even though I know it's all important.

There is skepitcism on my part. Has the God wish ever really worked? How do I know it was God and not a twist of fate? Bad things have happened despite my bargains and yet I still make the wishes when I feel powerless.

That's exactly how I feel now -- powerless. I can't believe people would actually vote for McCain, but now I can't believe more than ever with Palin on the ticket. Her voice is a whine. While I hated W's voice, the mumbling drawl and inappropriate chuckles, Palin's voice feels far worse. It's like all those cheerleader voices I hated when I was in high school. The popular girl voice that changes when males are in the room. The voice of superority that used to tease me in the hallways and locker rooms of my past.

The criticism of Obama has been that his speeches lack details. While filled with colorful language and inspiring calls to action, many feel that there aren't enough specifics outlining exactly what he'll do if he becomes president. But of the snippets I heard last night and the discussion I had with Ann (who did listen to the entire speech) last night, Palin didn't outline anything either except for a list of complaints and counter-attacks to her selection.

And the crowd ate it up. I could hear that. Ann was in the TV room with the door closed and I was in the living room reading a new novel and listening to my iPod, loudly. Over it all I could hear the crazed audience screaming and chanting and cheering Palin's speech. "Don't worry," Ann said this morning, "They were all white people. The cameras kept showing the same six people of color over and over hoping we wouldn't notice they were the same six people."

Ann is much calmer about this election. She can set aside her reactions to McPlain and his gun-weilding partner and listen to the speeches without throwing up. "Do you make pacts with God?" I asked her last night. She only laughed and gave me that smile that said, "Don't worry. It will be alright."

I know it will be. It was alright after Nixon was elected. After Reagan and yes, even after the Bush twins. Stupid decisions and policies were made and people (and the environment) suffered, but the earth didn't open and swallow us whole. So what bothers me about this election? What gnaws and burns inside my stomach?

I guess it's that people actually believe the stuff McPlain and his Trophy Vice are spouting. My Cuban Republican friends once asked me what it was like to have conservative friends. My response came quickly: You're the kind of Republicans I can live with because you don't want to kill me. They laughed, but I don't think they thought I meant it.

But I do.

I do.

What scares me about this election is that, at one point, I respected McCain. I'd never vote for him, but I thought he was like my Cuban Republican friends -- a nice guy with a differing view of the world. I thought he didn't want to kill me. I'm not sure he does now, but I know his handlers have tossed out the "nice guy" image and thrown him in with the foaming-at-the-mouth kind of right-wing nuts that scare the hell out of me.

And he let them. Any respect I may have had for the man went right out the window when I realized he'd do ANYTHING to get elected. When I heard Peggy Noonan in her "not off mic" commentary saying that the Republicans were going for narrative over substance, I found myself applauding. The Noonan screw-up story was on the internet for about a nano-second before it was replaced by Palin's dogmatic attack from last night. Do people know that there are very worried Republicans out there or do they think that the cheering crowd at the convention last night is a real-world reflection of Palin's popularity?

I find myself searching the internet for any editorial or news that sways the election in Obama's favor. Like a bloody car accident I tell myself not to look, but look anyway. I feel on the verge of obsession and use all my powers of self control to hold myself back. I even pleaded with my mother to abandon her pessimism and just for awhile, give me some optimistic hope that the Democrats will win. "I wish I could, honey" is all she offered.

Great. Just great.

November seems like a far off planet. On November 2 we turn our clocks back an hour. On November 4, please God, we have the chance to move forward and avoid more dark times. I'll do anything to make it happen.

Do you hear me? Anything!