Am I Still?

I tell myself not to listen to the news. I tell myself not to open my financial statements. I tell myself there will be no pink slip in my mailbox at work. I tell myself it's all going to be okay. I tell myself that Obama will win and all will begin moving in the right direction. He will make a difference. I am voting for something and not against for the first time of my life.

But the more I listen to the news, the more I read my financial statements, the more I don't see a pink slip in my mailbox, the more I hear that McCain still has a chance (devious or legitimate), I wonder if I am actually voting for the first African American in office than what the man actually stands for. Lately, it's gotten hard to decide what he actually stands for.

I understand this is politics. I understand this is how liberals play it safe, but there's a quiver of worry that Obama is Bill Clinton in black face. I didn't vote for Bill Clinton. From the beginning, he felt smarmy. I didn't vote for the Republicans either. I voted the Green Party -- Nadar -- because I couldn't see the advantage of a moderate Democrat and in the end, he's the one who instituted NAFTA, he's the one who instituted "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," and he's the one who changed the welfare program -- all decisions I strongly disagreed with.

And then there was that whole Monica Lewinsky business. It was hard not to say to my Clinton-supporter-friends "I told you so" but I bit my tongue. Hard.

My first impression of Obama was that he was intelligent, compassionate, level-headed, kind, and more to the left of center than any president we've ever had in the past. And, as a history teacher, I always believed that radical right or radical left candidates would end up in the middle -- pushed there by the extremes of the continuum -- the ultimate check in the checks and balances system.

Then W. got elected and the whole centrist theory flopped to the right with a painful thud. So when Obama appeared to be as left of the center as W. appeared to be right, I had hopes that the balance would shift and perhaps for the first (and only) time, liberals (true liberals...not moderate liberals) could have their crack at the running the country.

Now I'm not so sure. I'm trying to hold onto the the idea that Obama is walking the centrist line so he doesn't piss off the white people who are afraid to vote for a black man or the lifelong Republicans who are so embarrassed by their current president and candidate that they have decided to vote for a Democrat for the first time in their lives, but there is a niggle of a worry that Obama is more of centrist than I'd first thought.

He'll still get my vote. In fact, I'm one of those millions who are voting early, my ballot stamped, signed, and ready to go into today's mail, but there is something wonky rumbling around in my belly and I fear it is that doubt that once again I'm voting against more than I am voting for.

Meanwhile, Hank Williams' daughter is twanging on NPR and I'm finding it very difficult to write with such a voice in the background. And when they play Hank's songs, my teeth rattle. I have never been a fan. I've tried, but his music never stuck. Instead, when I hear his voice, I think of his son, Hank Williams, Jr. in his football jersey, cowboy hat, and beer gut standing behind McCain and Palin at a campaign rally, his arms straight up in the air in a victory stance.

I feel sick to my stomach. November 5th (the day after) can't get here fast enough.

Meanwhile, I'll keep imagining myself dancing with my friends when McCain gives his concession speech and the first African American is elected President of the United States. No matter the reasons I have for voting for him, I will dance in honor of that historical event and cross my fingers he can move that see-saw of national politics back to the left-side of the fulcrum.