Many Thoughts

Lessons in relaxation...

I woke in a panic this morning after dreams of poverty and an inability to get a job. In my dream, I was sobbing in the office of my former school begging for a teaching job all the while knowing 1) there weren't any jobs and 2) going back to teaching was a desperate move on my part. But in my dream I knew I had to calm myself down and as if I were in a movie and not a dream, my body split in two. Not literally, but one whole me moved out of the other whole me and standing in the room were two mes -- one sobbing for a job and the other giving herself a pep talk.

I'm not sure what spurred on the panic, though there are many contributing factors, few of which I can control. I watch and listen to way too much news. The radio reports all day long offering in-depth analysis about financial crises and our inability to figure out how to solve it and the television at night offers more analysis and heavy doses of doubt.

Chief among those doubts is the chase-your-tail kind of logic I find myself consumed by: The CEO of Starbucks made millions of dollars last year and yet, they are laying off employees. The same, I'm certain can be said for Microsoft and Google and Sony and all those other corporations by which we measure our economic success. We are encouraged to "buy things" as it will stimulate the economy, but we've had 2 decades of buying things and somehow we ended up in what is called a "credit crisis." I have always believed we should consume less, which makes me some kind of defeatist in this capitalistic world since my job in retail (along with everyone at Starbucks and Microsoft and Google) is dependent upon people consuming more and more and more so the CEO's can make a killing and I can earn a minimum wage with which I can go out and consume things.

Speaking of which, I have no hours scheduled for my retail job as the store is cutting back to the "essentials" though I am still to be "reviewed" the first week in February. I filled out my self-evaluation form yesterday and found myself unable to take the statements I must rate myself on seriously. "Creates a welcoming environment through acknowledging, approaching, and engaging customers in a timely fashion" to which I am to provide examples. "No, I stand at the back of the store and busy myself with the task of dusting hidden shelves." This isn't rocket science people. I work for minimum wage less than 10 hours a week (if that) and at the same time am expected to "take personal initiative to develop and increase knowledge and skills to improve job performance..." Sorry, I don't have time...I'm trying to make a living.

Next, I got my business license yesterday, which means I must now work on advertising myself prolifically to increase my client base. And the more I increase my business, the more I wonder if I should keep my retail job???? Being a "business owner" carries a weight I had not expected and my shoulders ached this morning as if the weight were measured in tons and not in metaphor.

And lastly, I have an idea for a book that requires me to interview a lot of people. When will that happen? Oh and let's not forget my freelance job. I must put out the newsletter by the end of the month and I have yet to write one word.

This then is stress, a kind of stress of which I am unfamiliar. I am used to the stress of teaching, the stress of the classroom, the stress of having to email a worried parent, attend a meeting with co-workers, and plan a lesson with a community partner. While both jobs (my previous and my current) carry expectations, those of teaching are made by others and those now are made by me. No wonder I found myself sobbing in the office of my former school begging for a job. It was as if I were asking my two selves -- the two who split apart in my dream -- which do you want -- this stress or that stress?

(...and in the background on the radio right now, the stock market just dropped to a number we have not seen in years. Oh my poor portfolio...one among the millions diving head first into the unknown.)

But would I trade the stress of now for the stress of then? This is what I worked out in my dream: I would not. I distinctly remember in the dream last night that my biggest panic was NOT not having a job, but was a deep and devastating worry that Rubin, our dog, would have to stay at home alone if I went back to work -- that we would no longer spend our days outside with other dogs walking and playing. That thought was the fuel for my tears and so this morning, when I woke with a pounding headache I reassured myself that as stressful and scary as the future of being a "small business owner" is, I wouldn't trade it for the world...even if that world is crumbling under the stress of stress.