This is the time of year when I am always more resolved than others. I make resolutions and then get frustrated (sometimes even before I start) that I don't stick to them. Still, I feel compelled to come up with a list of things I'd like to change about myself and my life's routine. I'm not sure if it's some ingrained message that I must make resolutions or if the dark evenings and long nights make me more reflective of my laziness and disorganization.
Okay, I'm not that bad, but this time of year everything, including me, slows down. Yesterday, for instance, I had planned on reorganizing the kitchen cupboards (perhaps after seeing my mother's highly organized kitchen over the holidays), but found myself on the couch watching reruns of Law and Order SVU, many of which I had seen before. Eventually I fell asleep under the warm down and flannel blanket and woke up in time to feel the guilt of not finishing a task I'd set out for myself.
So I got up and cleaned the house. While it needed to be done, the kitchen cupboards remain in disarray this morning and I feel slightly guilty that I did not complete my goal.
Why then, would I choose to make a list of resolutions for 2010? It just feels like an invitation for failure.
Yet, resolutions this time of year feel compelling and so I find myself making lists in my head about losing the last 10 pounds I can't seem to shake, setting up a routine for morning stretches and meditation, joining a yoga class, and putting myself on a news fast to fight off that hopeless feeling every time I hear the stock market has dropped, terrorism is on the rise, and that the man that I voted for President is acting more like a Republican than the Progressive I so hoped he'd reveal himself to be.
But let's face it -- I am a tad bit OCD and making a list is as satisfying as making certain the picture frames in the house are straight or the ottoman is centered in front of the couch. It doesn't help that recently I went to the doctor for a much needed (and rather avoided) physical exam. Blood tests revealed that while my bad cholesterol is a bit high, by good cholesterol is stellar offsetting the bad effects of the cruddy stuff. And even though my blood pressure is moderately high, the fact that I don't smoke or drink and exercise far more than most my age, I am at a low cardiovascular risk.
Sweet.
But give a woman like me a high number - as in my bad cholesterol -- and you'll find it on her list of New Year's resolutions as "Eat Oatmeal!" When the doctor gives the same woman an order to monitor her blood pressure once a week, know that said woman will monitor it twice a week and religiously write it down in the handy-dandy little card given to her by the doctor. In addition, she will resolve to meditate in the mornings, take yoga classes at least once a week, and practice breathing in times of stress.
Though I might not write down my resolution list this year, it runs like credits in my head scrolling by me in a bright white on a dark background. I will be resolved even when I try to fight it. The trick is, as it always is, not let the resolutions fade by the end of January. That's a resolution I struggle keeping.
And yes, I know I am not alone.
