Too much to think about

I didn't sleep well. It was a combination of stuff. I have a cold that makes it hard to breathe without snoring (which wakes me up as well as waking up everyone else in the house); I'm suffering through a late menstrual cycle (late as in it took 6 weeks to get here and now it either trickles or floods and has been doing so for the past two weeks...I know, too much information) that makes me wake in a drenched sweat equally influenced by a slight fever from my cold; and I have a lot to think about of late.

Oh and let's not forget about the phone ringing at one in the morning. I didn't get to it in time, but the caller was "kind" enough to leave a message, "Would I be interested in walking their dog?" WHAT? It's one in the morning! And they didn't leave a call back number or even say their name. If it's a prank phone call couldn't it be more interesting than that?

The worst part, of course, is that I was awake and steaming about the phone call, which gave me more time to think about the choices ahead of me.

Let me clarify. Life is going great. Yes, I have a cold. Yes, I'm stuck between menstruation and menopause (meno without the pause, I like to call it) and yes, I've been given something to really think about that is pivotal in my life, but when I take a moment to stop and look at everything around me (and in me, for that matter), it's amazingly good. For instance, I've been asked by a university publication to submit a piece of my writing. I've never been asked before and while they may not publish it, to be asked feels pretty cool. I live in a really amazing house with a really wonderful partner and a silly, but special dog. I have good friends and I get to laugh a lot. My work is busy (sometimes too busy) but rewarding and aside from aches and pains of my aging body and this nagging cold, I'm healthy.

And then I'm given this option: Would I like to work full time at the hydrotherapy pool with the understanding that I'd eventually (within a year) become the manager?

What does this mean? It means I'd have to give up or cut back on my dog walking. Doesn't seem like such a big life decision when you've spent most of your life as a classroom teacher and been faced with much bigger and more important choices, but I'm not that teacher anymore and the choices I'm faced with in my life are much different now and surprisingly, just as important to me.

Dog walking has been a great experience. I've started my own business, I've made it fairly successful (there's only so much of me so there's only so many clients I can have without overdoing it all), and if I really wanted to go out and drum up more business, I could do it. But I don't have time nor do I think my body could handle walking more than 10 (or sometimes 13) miles in a day. I'm not 30 years old anymore. I'm not even in my 40s so the wear and tear is taking its toll.

When I first decided to start this business it's because I knew I wanted to work with dogs. I've wanted to work with dogs since I was in my twenties. I've wanted to write, too, but that's something that fits between everything else and so far, it's going fairly well. But I must admit, of late I've been so busy there's very little time to write. Still, I know once I've finished earning my small animal massage license, I'll won't have to study and I'll have more time to write...so again, I'm not too worried about making time to write. It's just on hold for now.

Which brings me back to my dilemma. Out of the blue, working at the hydrotherapy pool fell into my lap. My boss, who believes quite strongly that this was meant to be, doesn't think it fell into my lap, but was the plan all along. It may be. Regardless, I didn't expect to be here and yet here I am -- two great jobs and not enough of me to do them physically.

So she asks me -- do you want to work full time? I wish she weren't such a great boss because it's not like she's pushing me, she's just offering it. "You need to do what feels emotionally, physically, spiritually, and financially right for you." I can increase my hours and my involvement as much as I want. I can take on more responsibilities as my learning allows and I can make a full time job of it.

But full time pool work means little or less or no dog walking. Do I want to give it up? Do I want to do less of it? What would that look like? There are so many configurations it makes my head hurt -- or maybe my head hurts because of my cold or my endless menstrual cycle or the fact that I'm working too hard. Who knows?

Of course, I don't need to make the decision right away. I'm not sure that's a good thing though because it means the contemplation of it might linger longer than I'd like. Somehow I think this is another life's lesson: Not rushing into something and really making a choice that comes from thoughtful deliberation and not gut reactions. Or maybe the lesson is to learn to really listen to myself and do what feels right for me and not necessarily what I think might please others.

See? There's too much to think about. I'm going to take the dog for a walk and contemplate it some more, talk it over with Ann some more, and hopefully tire myself out enough that I might sleep better tonight!