The Cabin

I have many reoccurring dreams. The most reoccurring is of a cabin I once lived in. It sat on 5 acres of land and was a mere 400 square feet, but it is one of my favorite previous homes.

While the cabin reoccurs in my dream, the dream itself is always a bit different each time. Often, the woods around the cabin have been developed with other houses off in the distance or cleared trees creating gaping holes in the once thick canopy. Always, someone else is living in the cabin and as I approach, I am sad that it is not empty and that I can't move back in again.

So it was with the dream last night. I was showing the cabin to Ann in hopes that we could buy it. The cabin had occupants, who had no idea we were there, and the land around the cabin was very different than in any of my other dreams. There was a road behind the cabin -- a driveway actually -- where cars raced up to get to their own homes, though these homes weren't small, quaint cabins. They were huge mansions littering the hillside.

The clearing for the road made the view to the north almost treeless and even though this is not the direction of Mt. Rainier, the cleared road made for a perfect view of the mountain. That's another trait of this dream. There are negative changes every time I dream it -- cleared trees, enormous houses, encroaching civilization -- but there are also beautiful additions -- a view of the mountains, more room in the once small cabin, an small studio on the property for pottery or writing or something creative.

I'm not sure why I always dream this dream or why, when I wake, I feel a twinge of melancholy mixed with fondness. I'm sad when the dream is over and I'm sad that in the dream, even though I know it was just a dream, I cannot live in the cabin again. I loved that cabin. Clearly I still do.

This morning, I woke up feeling the same mixture of happiness and regret and I tried to piece together why this dream reoccurs. It certainly represents a time in my life when I was on my own. A time when I was discovering my own sense of self. I've grown a lot since then and have never been happier in my life than I am right now (yes, even though my retirement funds are leaping off a large cliff). Still, this cabin represents something for me and while I have yet to completely figure it out, I like remembering it and am glad it pops up in my dreams from time to time.