The Choosing

We have been away skiing in Eastern Washington. I had a chance to do a bit of writing, though not much as the weather was glorious. Those posts will come later since I need to download them from my laptop. For now, these are my thoughts...

I am often asked how I became a teacher. Or more accurately, why I chose to be a teacher. I don't have an answer. I don't remember ever really choosing it. I actually don't remember choosing much in my life, at least consciously. I did choose Ann (and was lucky she wanted to be chosen by me) and I did choose Rubin (with Ann's input). But when I think back on my entire life, the real choice I remember consciously making was choosing my kitten when I was a kid. (But did I really? Or was he just there and I remember picking him up and equating that with choosing?)

Of course I've made little choices. I chose the color of the paint on the kitchen wall, I chose a new pair of shoes just this past week, and I chose countless meals from countless menus in my life, but actually choosing something really important, life-changing important where I weighed the options -- well, I'm hard-pressed to come up with more than a handful of examples.

I chose to leave Port Townsend after 17 years there. That was conscious...in a way. I was very sad. Crying actually while house sitting for a friend. I was weeping and trying to figure out what I was going to do to stop all the emotions. What was I? Who was I? What were my choices?

And then it hit me...I didn't need to live in Port Townsend anymore. I could go any where, do anything and I didn't have any ties to bind me to that place -- aside from a job and friends.

But a job could be had somewhere else and friends I could keep from a distance, so almost in a flash, I knew I needed to move away and live back in Seattle.

So yes, it was a choice, but a choice that struck me and was not at all planned out.

Back to teaching. Within my career, I've chosen to teach different subjects or at different grades depending on the opportunities, but I've never considered not teaching. Well, that's not completely true. I've considered it hundreds, perhaps thousands of times, but I never knew what I'd do instead. I had ideas, but I never had the gumption to try them.

I worried about a steady paycheck. I worried about my financial obligations. I worried about healthcare and benefits and retirement plans. I worried that I wasn't skilled at anything but teaching and most of my career, I worried that someone would figure out that I wasn't really a very skilled teacher. (I've gotten over that one perhaps because of time, but more likely because I've seen some pretty crappy teachers in my day and I figure I can hold my own in the skill department.)

I'm worrying about all of those things now as I get closer to leaving teaching. But still, even that doesn't feel like a choice. I just woke up and said, "I'm done. I can't do this for the rest of my life. I need to do something else." And then I announced it to Ann who was supportive and encouraging, and then I announced it to my employer who hasn't really said anything about it, and then I announced it to people randomly who show an interest in my choices.

But now, thinking back on it, what choice was I making? Was it thoughtful? Was it planned well? Was it a good move?

Probably not, but now that I'm in the flow of that choice -- the counting down of days, the getting my shit in order -- I worry that the choosing was random and not at all what I should be doing.

Then again, I know I can't continue teaching. I know that. I really, really know that.

So I look around now with different eyes. How did all those people in the world who aren't teaching choose their lives, their days, their professions? Do they just let the choices happen, like I have, and move on about their merry ways? Or are they more deliberate in their choosing?

What I've realized in these observations is that there are a lot of choices out there to make and that the choosing, if one becomes conscious of it, can be overwhelming and mortifying. For instance, we ate at one of our favorite low-priced restaurants while on vacation this week. I perused the menu and really considered my choices. I wasn't all that hungry, but in the past that never stopped me from eating. So this time I deliberately chose a smaller meal and then, when Ann ordered dessert, I passed only nibbling on the crust of her cherry pie.

That kind of choosing wasn't too difficult, but in the course of the day there are so many choices we make it's no wonder we just make them hastily and without much forethought.

And another thing I've realized is that what I've really done by resigning my job at the end of the school year is all a matter of perspective. I am choosing to leave. That's one choice, but I'm also choosing to focus my time learning to be a dog trainer and carving out some time to write. Those are two other choices separate from the first.

So really, the choosing to leave is on a different level of magnitude than the other choices because once I'd chosen to leave, I could have chosen a bazillion other things to pursue -- like working in a bookstore or climbing a mountain or taking a job at a restaurant.

I did put a lot of thought (and research) into choosing to be a dog trainer and in actuality, it has been something I've toyed with for years and years. I remembered just the other day a conversation I had with a good teacher-friend who was, at the time, the high school librarian. This was perhaps my sixth year of teaching and I just couldn't picture myself doing it for another 30 years. My friend, Marty said, "What would you like to do if you didn't teach?" Not an earth-shattering question, but I knew at that point that I loved animals and wanted to do something that involved dogs. "Dog training sounds interesting," I said to her and she beamed back, "You'd be perfect at that job!"

That was 15 years ago and it's always been in the back of my mind -- the dog trainer thing -- but what's kept me from it is this weird combination of not believing I could actually do it (like learn how) and not believing I could actually choose it for myself.

Now I have.

Old dog, new tricks.

Now I just have to be patient before the choice can evolve into the thing that it will be. Meanwhile, I go back to work on Monday -- teaching for another 4 months -- and all the while, practicing the art of choosing.