Relevance

The other day in puppy class the trainer talked about how owners need to be relevant to their dogs, that often, as pet owners, we just think about the dog being relevant to us and assume he (or she) will be as committed to us as we are to them.

Teaching relevance means eye contact in dog language...he must "look" at you before he gets permission to do what it is you are either asking him to do or what he would like to do. For instance, Rubin has learned to sit and wait for his food, but he must also look at me before I will say okay and release him from his patient position. We practice lots of exercises reinforcing this eye contact and slowly, he's catching on.

When Rubin is on a rampage (or what the trainer calls a FRAP -- Frenetic Random Act of Play) he does not look at either one of us at all. He grabs the rug and runs the other way. He chews on the spatula and turns his back to us. He chomps down on the toilet paper roll and then jauntily trots down the hallway with the toilet paper streaming behind him. Meanwhile, we're calling his name, telling him "no", shouting out "leave it, leave it, leave it" to no avail. During a FRAP we are not relevant in the least.

So, he now walks around the house with a leash on so we can make ourselves relevant. He now receives a spray of water to his backside as a random act of god. It's amazing how he reacts especially with the water. He has yet to figure out that it comes from us and he turns in circles trying to figure out what the hell just happened. Then, worried it will happen again, he finds our legs to hide behind and mellows a bit. With the leash, he isn't as responsive , but it's saved a roll of toilet paper time and time again.

Ann and I, both teachers, have talked a lot about relevance and how we see the same issues in our dog as we see in our students -- adults are not relevant in their lives. Yes, there are certainly some families who have established good "eye contact" and the kids respond by always checking in with a parent (or teacher) to see if they can make a desired move. But on the whole, most of the kids we see these days don't check in and in fact, give very little eye contact to any adult.

They have not, we've concluded, learned relevance. They have not grown up understanding that the parent matters or has value. Consequently, the parent has not learned the relevance of the child in their lives and have not passed on the feeling of "mattering" to their kids. It's a horrible cycle of subtle neglect and 90% of the time, it is the root cause of ugly behaviors in our students.

The trainer ended our last session talking about the difference between loving your dog and loving LOVING your dog. She said, "If we love our dogs we teach them so they will be safe and balanced. If we just love loving our dogs, then it's all about us and not about respect or safety or balance."

When she said this Ann and I looked at each other and knew exactly what she meant. We see this a lot with families. I call it the checklist mentality -- to be a successful adult I must have a spouse, a car, a job, a house, a boat, lots of friends, pets, and 2.3 kids. But there is no responsibility attached to the checklist. Nothing on it really matters. What's relevant is getting to the bottom of the checklist and then showing it to everyone else to prove your success. It's just a "To Do" list one must get through and then, once accomplished, they let it all go. There's no need to monitor any of it or pay attention to any of it, or if they do pay attention, often the car and the house and boat get more "love" than the beings.

Relevance. Connection. Mattering. Commitment. Follow through. Responsibility. Love.

Doggie classes have been very enlightening.