Same As It Ever Was

I have 19 students this year and 3 whacked parents out of the bunch. On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being certifiably nuts, one is a 9 and two are 7's, though they scare me more because they're silent 7's. I don't know they're about to wig out until I receive an email from the Head of School, forwarding one of these parent emails to me.

I've dealt with whacked parents before and that's exactly what hit me the other day: Teaching is no longer new, it's no longer challenging. It's the same conversations, the same dilemmas to solve, the same kid issues and parent weirdness. The only challenge, and that's even the wrong word for it, is having a young teacher as my teaching partner. She's not had these conversations or issues or dilemmas that much so she struggles in dealing with them.

Jokingly, I call her "Grasshopper" like the blind Kung Fu master did with David Carridine back in the 70's. "Take the pebble from my hand, grasshopper." We laugh about this a lot, but underneath it all, it's sad that this is my biggest challenge.

I never realized how much I need to be tested in my life. I seek it though I'd never really noticed that I seek it until now. I changed jobs a lot in my 20s, but then settled on teaching. Even there, though I've switched the grades I've taught, subjects, and now even schools.

I laugh when I read my horoscope. As a Sagitarius, the classic line is always "you feel unsettled with life" and while it makes me laugh, it's actually true. I get unsettled at times, squirmy, and my itchiness has lead me to some interesting places, but it's also uncomfortable and if I'm not careful, it can throw me into a real funk.

I'm a bit funkish now. I'm trying to find excitement in my job. Having a "grasshopper" helps, but it hasn't cured the itch or the funk.

Last night I woke at 2 in a panic about something I needed to do or forgot to do and I started thinking about this section I read in Cesar Milan's new book (Be the Leader of Your Pack). It's all kind of woo-woo, but it also struck me how much what he had to say rang true for me. Basically it goes like this: Your dog senses everything. You can't lie to your dog. If you don't feel like the confident leader of your pack, your dog will know it.

I see it with Rubin. He gets when I'm in a funk. He gets when I'm weak inside. Last night I was feeling weak and funky and he was a monster -- pulling on the leash, not listening to commands, biting his leash. I got frustrated and then I felt guilty -- what kind of dog trainer am I going to make if I can't even train my dog?

Granted, he's only 7 1/2 months old. He's only been living with us for 5 1/2 months. 90% of the time he is great on the leash, follows every command, and wants to please. But the 10% of stubborn, puppy dog feels like my failure, like some god-dog is watching from above and saying, "Yep, you just aren't good enough!"

So last night, after reading a bit of Cesar's book, I went to sleep thinking and woke up in the middle of the night thinking about how many therapists I've paid to teach me this lesson -- YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH ---YOU MUST BELIEVE YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH -- and now I have this dog who sees right through me and can call me on my self-loathing bullshit with the tug of his leash or his racing around the house barking.

I am not the leader of my pack.

I am not the leader of my pack when I feel funky and itchy and weak.

I cannot lie to Rubin.

So this morning, I vowed to do all those self-talk rituals every therapist has given me and face my ultimate therapist once again.

Rubin was an angel today.

I hate it when it's that easy.

This probably has nothing to do with being unchallenged at work, but in my mind the two go together. I feel good about myself when I'm stretching -- physically, intellectually, emotionally. I haven't stretched in months -- figuratively or literally. Rubin's rambunctious puppy-ness made me realize this yesterday.

I think I need to schedule regular visits with my puppy therapist for awhile...