Imagine...

Imagine, for a moment, that you have an older sister (which I do, but I'm talking about an imaginary one for now)...

Imagine this older sister just turned 50
and when you look at her life you are proud
and slightly envious because all your life
you've really wanted to be like your sister...

you've idolized her in many ways, looked up to her
for advice
for support
for guidance

Imagine she's in a stable marriage to a man who
is a good father to two or three children
...and not married to someone who is still married
to someone else
or married to someone who is a crackhead
or a porn producer
or a swindler
or a liar

Imagine she's financially stable, with a good
job -- a consultant, perhaps, or
a sales rep or even a doctor or a nurse --
and that she's held this job or one like it for years
and her colleagues admire her
and her family is proud of her
and she's never once had to file for bankruptcy
or borrowed large sums of money from
her parents
or her older brother
or her younger sister

Imagine she's confident and self-assured
And responsible
And when she talks to you on the phone
She speaks clearly and passionately
about her life, never giggling excessively, never
focusing solely on herself, never admitting to you in
mumbled phrases about her affairs with
married men
or her sex with her client on the massage table

Imagine she has integrity, that she's
reliable and truthful
And she'd never not pay a bill
or lie to her landlord
or ask her brother or sister to
keep secrets
or blame others for her poor choices

Imagine she's a full-bodied woman
a bit overweight, but healthy and active
not obsessive about what she eats
never asking the waiters to check the oils
used in her meal
or if there are meat products in the salad

Imagine she runs four days a week
but never far enough to get rid of
the belly or the butt or the peasant calves
Imagine she likes herself
when she looks in the mirror
and doesn't see just elbows and knees
and ankles and ribs
Imagine she knows when enough
is enough and doesn't ride her bike
for 20 miles after she's run for
two hours
or then jump in the pool
because she needs to burn off her lunch

Imagine she feels a part of the
family and visits on a regular
basis and is never an
imposition, never upset
because the vacation schedule isn't
exactly what she planned or how she
wants it to be
And at Christmas, she doesn't
drink too much
or call you from a bedroom
at your brother's house
crying that her father is an
asshole
that her brother called her a drunk
that no one loves her
that she's not a part of the family

Imagine she always stays calm
Except on occasions
Like all of us
When the repairman is late
Or the car doesn't work
Or the plane is behind schedule
Or work is particularly stressful

Imagine she has patience
and good judgment
and is able to stand up for herself
when wronged
but let go of it once it's
resolved

Imagine she feels a part of the
world and not
excluded from it
That she contributes to good causes
and does not feel
the world is out to get her

Imagine she's lived in the same house
in the same town
in the same state
all her adult life
and never had to leave
because she owed money
or burned too many bridges
or felt unsettled
or thought it would be
different somewhere else

Imagine she knows how to
love her parents
who are proud of her
because she's claimed positive
space in the world
and not sucked all the energy
from her friends
or her family
or her co-workers
And that her parents can
sleep peacefully at night
knowing she's safe and
financially sound
with a solid job
and a family of her own
and they don't have to wake
up in the middle of the night
sweating with worry or
answering phones

Imagine she's kind
and when you need a familiar
voice you call her up
and she hugs you with her words
and doesn't splatter you with anger
like bacon grease from a hot pan

Imagine you love her
even when you're mad at her
even when she's a bit selfish
or impatient
or difficult

Imagine you love her
because she's solid and whole and
not stuck in some place
you'll never understand
never be able to kick her out of
never be able to convince her she's in

Imagine you feel connected to her
in ways that they write about
in Hallmark Cards
But it's not corny or trite
or laced in pink

Imagine you have an older sister...
whom you love...
I have one
though
Not the one
I imagined...