Naming

Why is it, I asked Ann the other day, that people learn the sex of their unborn child and decide to name it right then and there while it's still in the womb, but when they get a new pet they feel they have to "get to know" the animal before they name it? What would our lives have been like if our parents had waited to name us after assessing our personality?

I wonder what my parents would have named me? What was my personality at birth? I had a head of hair, I hear, and I was active. Harry? Harriet? (depending on my gender) Or maybe Spunky or Curly or Frolic? Who knows?

We are getting a puppy. One of these...

We're not sure which one of these, but one of these nonetheless. They are tagged with a colored ban so the breeder can tell them apart. They are not yet named (aside from the color), but when I think of a puppy, names cascade through my mind and I blurt them out.

"Rubin!" I shout at Ann while we watch the latest Netflix movie or "What about Quasi or Psuedo, ya know because they are not quite labs and not quite poodles."

At first, she engaged in these conversations. Then she just rolled her eyes. Now she just ignores me.

We watch the credits scroll by at the end of a TV show or a movie and I try whispering, "Tilly's a nice name. What about Mavis? Phineaus is long, but I like it."

I try to ignore her ignoring.

We're not sure what we'll get. We like the red colored Labradoodles and I think we'd prefer a boy, but then I think, "Ginger's a nice name. Or even Opal or Zelda."

I try to sneak in names. "I met this man Oscar today. That's a nice name, don't ya think?"

No response.

I try a different approach. "You know, there are so many kids whose names I don't like. I'd never name a kid Tyler or Justin," I say and this usually gets a response because, as teachers, we've met one too many Tylers and Justins who are screwy and out of control. "And no way would I name a girl Ashley or Amber or Brittney." Then I say, "So we could name our dog Rumor or Banjo or Splash, ya know, something nonhuman."

Ann turns away. She will not engage.

Nell. Prudence. Abner. Rufus. Wiley. Herschel. Odetta. Ivy. Flora. Archie. Darwin. Oliver. Grover. Flora. Cleo.

Still no response.

So, I've taken to writing the names down on a scrap piece of paper and leaving the paper in obvious places like by her coffee cup in the morning or in her underwear drawer...just in case...just in case Ann decides that it's time...now that the puppies are out of the womb and we can see pictures of them like this...

Now that's personality, don't ya think? Who needs any more information? Rupert, I think, or maybe Ivan or maybe Grace or perhaps Nell ..."