When does the stronger come?

I am on a three-year cycle. Every three years (or sometimes six) I think about quitting my job or changing my job or going back to school. This time it's three years...three years in my current teaching position and I can't even contemplate coming back next year.

Not because of the kids or the teaching or my colleagues, but because of the politics and mismanagement. It's all too complicated to write about so I won't, but needless to say I feel exhausted, unmotivated, and nasty. Why do people treat each other this way? Why do "institutions" always resort to such misguided, inhumane tactics to get to their glorified goals?

Or is it just me?

Last week I experienced the worst convergence of early menopause (sweating, irritability, and rage) on top of pre-menstrual angst (bloating, headaches, and snappishness). It wasn't pretty. I was all emotion. I kept it in pretty well until the faculty meeting where the Head of School lied without actually lying, avoided confrontation by agreeing with me, and forged on ahead like an enormous bulldozer rolling town a tiny stream. "By god we're moving forward no matter what delicate ecosystems we destroy."

I felt like my head was going to pop off my neck. I turned bright red. Still, I kept the emotion somewhat contained and what do you know, the next day an enormous cold sore popped out on my lower lip.

So much for containing emotions.

Here's the dilemma:

My teaching partner is leaving. Our Dean of Faculty was essentially fired (that's where the lying without lying came into the conversation), and I feel left hanging without any support systems for next year. I look around at the rest of the faculty and while I respect them, there isn't one person I feel I can ally with, one person who I can be supported by at the same time support them.

Teaching without M., working without the Dean, A., bringing in a new partner is like starting a new job all over again, but one I'm not sure I would have chosen if there was any choosing to do.

To make things even more complicated, IF I were to quit, I'd be leaving the school in a really tough spot as I am the only anchor for our grade team -- I created the curriculum, I've been teaching it for 3 years, and I'm the one who really understands how the whole thing works. I walk away and I'm not really certain what impact it would have on the school. Would the new enrollees pull their kids? Would the administration demand that I explain everything before I go? Who knows.

Ann and I talk endlessly about our options. There are many, but is it the right time? Is it just a three year itch that I need to work through? What if I stayed another year? Would things get better? Would I feel better?

My fear is that I'll be completely overwhelmed by a new teaching partner and all the nasty politics that keeps flicking its dragon tail through anything that appears normal or balanced. I don't do well in chaos, yet our school is founded by a woman who creates chaos in EVERY aspect of her life.

Maybe I'm just middle aged. Maybe I'm just hormonally imbalanced. Maybe, as my dear friend Jeanne tells me, I'm a victim of my own passion -- it drives me and it burns me. Whatever it is, I feel like I'm at another crossroads and I can't decided which choice to make.

What was it my therapist said to me years ago -- a choice is just a choice, nothing more, nothing less.

Perhaps, but it feels like there are weird cosmic rays penetrating earth and we're all warped by them and every choice is wrinkled and slighted twisted.

It's not just at work, either. Our neighborhood has been hit with numerous house and auto robberies. A woman at work had her car broken into in the middle of the day right on the street in front of school. The bad boys from down the street are out of jail and they have taken to "hanging out" on every street corner the cops aren't patrolling.

Closer to my heart, FG is on the cancer fence...how much time, how much pain, what kind of treatment? This not only impacts me, but a whole bunch of people I love deeply -- FG, of course, but BookWorm, too as well as my parents all the friends who love FG as I do, probably more than I do.

One more zap from the cosmos came when we found out last week that Ann's dad is dying of esophageal cancer (she's flying back to Madison next week). I wanted to go with her, but I'd have to take unpaid leave (how's that for a family friendly policy) and the airplane tickets are outrageously expensive. Meanwhile, she's unsure of exactly how she feels about it all. He's been drinking and smoking himself into a stupified lump ever since his wife (Ann's mother) left him 40 years ago. Every time Ann's seen him she's unsure how to connect. He gets nasty at times and when Ann calls him on it, he gets quiet. She loves him or the him he used to be, but she says she doesn't really know him anymore.

Convergence.

That which does not kill you makes you stronger.

When does the "stronger" come?