A Lisp

Rubin (the soon to be new puppy in our home) was neutered yesterday. After losing his manhood he ate a large meal, or so the breeder said, which may have been more difficult than it sounds for during the surgery they realized that Rubin has an underbite. To fix the problem, they removed one of his bottom canines in hopes that his teeth will move back a bit.

The breeder emailed us with the name of the vet, a phone number, and many assurances that this will not pose a health problem in the future.

I wasn't worried about health problems. Instead, I was trying to imagine what a dog sounds like when he barks with a lisp? Will he be teased on the playfield? Will he need to go to speech therapy to work on his "s" sounds? Will he be able to whistle? What will his smile look like? Will we notice the gap in his teeth? Will he need to see an orthodontist in his teenage years?

Chester was not a gay dog. He was a woman-identified man. He liked girls. No, he loved girls. Boys were okay, but girls were attractive. He liked to hump them. He liked to lick them. He liked to sidle up to them and smile.

I have no idea Rubin's preferences, but I worry that with a lisp, he may be pigeon-holed, that he may not be able to express his true identity. And if he turns out to be a gay dog, will he be stereotyped because of his lisp?

I remember David Sedaris's hysterical essay on having to go to speech therapy to learn to properly pronounce the "s" sound. Sedaris claimed that all the boys in speech therapy grew up to be gay.

I will accept Rubin no matter what his inclinations, but I don't want surgery to determine his fate in life.

Although, if he turns out to be a gay dog, then I may just have to teach him how to loosely hang one paw in a delicate hand shake.

If anything, it's certain that his underbite has given him quite a smirk. It's that smirk that made us choose him. Gay or not, he's our son. Or will that be "thson"...with a lisp?