...so much so that now it's two days later and I'm finally getting some time to finish this post...
Here are the highlights (some lowlights, so perhaps best to just call them "lights" though at times they've felt heavy)...
Ann flew back to Wisconsin last week and came home for a brief stay only to fly off again this past Thursday...
...her father died.
If that wasn't enough, we had a number of emotional conversations around the whole "go back/don't go back" for the funeral and while I wouldn't call them arguments, they were emotional debates. (We rarely argue...)
Ann says that when we "debate" it's unfair because she says I'm far more articulate while she is a "quiet debater." Over the years, she's asked that I not respond so quickly and let her think in silence. Fair enough. In the meantime, I've learned to choose my words carefully, trying not to think out loud, but instead, form my side of the debate with well-chosen arguments and then set them out as methodically (and unemotionally) as I can.
This "debate" was harder though because in my heart, I knew she should return for her father's funeral and I knew she was extremely resistant to the idea. Finally, after patiently listening and letting time pass I said, "It's not about you, Ann. It's not even about your being there. It's about your NOT being there. No one cares really if you're there, they only care that you're not."
The debate ended when she got on the phone with her brother and sister and sent out this trial balloon -- I'm thinking about not coming to the funeral.
Silence. No pun intended, but it was DEAD silence.
When she got off the phone she said, "Did you plan that?" and then smiled.
So now, she's about to board her plane in Madison, fly to Minneapolis, and then arrive home this evening.
But here's where it all gets complicated...here's where I feel like someone pushed pause on my life and I'm now wrapped up in the dramas of everybody else's life...
We fly out for Santa Fe tomorrow morning...early. We have to be at the airport at 4 in the morning. Ann flies in tonight at 11. We'll be home by midnight and then up again at 3.
This isn't how we planned it. Every flight scheduled in the past two weeks has been delayed, changed, or cancelled. Ann was to be home by now, but her flight got cancelled, so now she's coming home later...much later.
In addition, her ex is here visiting from Michigan with her 7 year old daughter Zoe. I picked them up at the airport. I was supposed to pick them up this morning, but guess what, her flight was cancelled and she came in later.
And when we stood waiting for their luggage, we had to wait an extra plane as they loaded all the baggage on the plane after hers.
I've been on the phone with one person or the other these past few days double checking flights, making certain I'll be available for pick up or drop off, and checking in on funeral arrangements, sibling interactions (Ann's not mine), and blindly feeling my way through this emotional terrain.
Then our friend Laurie called. She's being stalked by freaky neighbors. She wanted to spend the night, but decided her dog and a pile of rocks by her bed would make her safe. One more emotion. One more person's life to deal with.
Not that it's a problem. I don't mind picking people up at the airport or offering our house as a safe haven. In fact, I love doing that...I just didn't expect it to all happen at once.
And so, of course, I now have a cold...a sore throat, a nasty cough, drippy eyes, and a need to sleep...but I can't sleep because Beth and Zoe are here, there are bags to pack for our trip to the desert, and oh yes, I must go pick up Ann at 11:30 tonight.
When whirlwinds happen like this, I move out of my body and just shift into my head. It's weird. I don't want it to happen, but I can't seem to stop it. I'm disconnected and while I try to sleep, it's difficult because I'm making lists or reliving my day or staring at the ceiling wondering why I said that to someone or this to someone else.
Then I look at this picture....
...and I feel my heart beating again, I wiggle my toes, I hear my breath relax and stretch through the length of my spine.
Laurie says the world is spinning just 5 mph faster these days and we're all holding on at a 45 degree angle.
Perhaps a week in Santa Fe will be just what we need, though that's been crazy too as Ann's friend, Kasha (with whom we are staying), called and said she won't be home until Tuesday. Luckily, we can still stay in her house and we can use her husband's car, but the logistics of getting from the airport to her house has been one more straw on this camel's back...
...I'm not breaking yet...so let's just hope the flights all take off and land when they're supposed to...
1 comment:
My sister missed her connection on her way down from Saratoga. She's in San Antonio now and cursing the cold weather we're experiencing.
I am hopeful for you. It's strange and difficult when all these things happen simultaneously. You wonder why. At least, I wonder why.
My mother would say, "Jesus only gives you what he knows you can handle." She got through a lot telling herself that.
Me, I'm just hopeful and wishing you my best to get you through these "lights."
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