Will the cycle be broken?

My friends have always told me I'm a perfectionist. I don't see it. There are so many things I don't do perfectly that it's hard to understand their perspective. Of course, I guess it says a lot about me that I am aware of my imperfections and all the things I don't do perfectly perhaps proving their point.

But recently, I've come to understand that I might just be suffering from perfectionism. Since I've enrolled in small animal massage classes and started working at a hydrotherapy pool for dogs, the perfectionist in my has emerged -- well, emerged more clearly to me.

I am on a steep learning curve. My brain is trying to wrap around learning all the anatomy and kinesiology of dogs at the same time I'm trying to remember all the details of my new job and stay on top of my own business as a dog walker. Because the learning curve is steep, I make mistakes. They are minor mistakes mostly, but to me they feel major. I forgot to take the garbage out at work, for instance, feels like a huge transgression and then not taking the time to schedule a dog into the scheduling book, a big mistake, feels monumental.

I am lucky in that my boss is forgiving and compassionate and in many ways, that's part of the problem. I have the utmost respect for her not only as a business owner and my boss, but as a person. And that's what made me realize my perfectionist tendencies are in overdrive. I want to do a good job both in massage school and at my new job not just because it's my nature to do the best I can (personal perfectionism), but because I so admire the woman I work for and the business she's created. I'm not sure what kind of perfectionism you'd call that, but it's moved my perfectionist tendencies into a whole new realm.

When I make mistakes -- in my work or personally -- I am extremely hard on myself. I eventually can let it go, but it takes time. Now that I feel the need to do an exceptional job because of my high regard for the work of my new employment as well as for the respect I have for my new employer, I am exceptionally hard on myself, which takes a lot more time for me to overcome.

I realized all of this yesterday while I was walking dogs. "Ah," I thought, "This is why I can't let this go!" No one, of course, is in control of this except me. I'm the one who creates all these pressures and while others are willing to forgive and move on (in fact most don't really see any reason to forgive because the transgressions are minor), I can't.

What's most frustrating about all of this is that I've been here before. Not in this exact same position, but similar enough that I bang my head against my fist and scream, "When will I learn?! When will this cycle be broken?" I get frustrated with myself that I haven't yet learned this lesson. Just when I think I've worked through these issues they circle back around and I moan in their arrival. "Not again!"

Apparently, I haven't learned what I need to learn and once again have put myself in a position to face them head on.

Argh!