Dilemmas/Decisions

A posting for a Dean of Faculty position at my previous place of work came across my email this weekend. It's not the position for which I hoped -- part-time, no teaching, flexible hours -- but rather a full-time position, including a teaching assignment. Ann and I have been talking and there are the usual lists of pros and cons developing in my head. I have two meetings this week with people involved to discuss exactly what this position will look like, but in my gut I have doubts.

To complicate it all, I had an epiphany this weekend. Since I quit teaching I have had this gnawing feeling that I should be doing something, that what I was doing in that moment was just a task to be completed before the next something came along. Sometimes that next something was defined -- an appointment, an errand, and a job -- but often, there was this nagging feeling without anything clear and coherent ahead of me.

For instance, Ann wanted to visit with a friend of hers who has recently been in the hospital, but who is now home. Since the visit was in another part of town, a part we enjoy walking through with the dog, we decided to visit the friend and then head for a walk around the neighborhood. After that, there were a few shopping errands to run and Ann had some schoolwork she needed to complete or at least, begin completing that afternoon.

The whole time we were visiting the friend -- an elderly, kind woman who stands barely 4 feet 8 inches in height, but whose heart is as big as the moon -- the gnawing, nagging feeling that we needed to get going chewed at my conscience. In my head, I was meting out the day in minutes -- so much time for this visit, so much time for errands, so much time for the walk, so much time to travel between places -- and feeling as if we were way behind schedule. While I fought the feelings, they tugged at me mightily. As we walked through the neighborhood, I wrestled the urge to walk faster racing to the end of the journey so we could get to the next task.

The next day, yesterday, we woke lazily and ate a nice breakfast before heading out to play with the dog. That nagging pull was still there and by the time we got home, I had created a list in my head of all the things I wanted to get done. Top of the list -- cleaning out and reorganizing the kitchen cupboards and drawers. This was no small task and when we returned from our romp with the dog, I positioned myself to jump right in. The voice in my head chattered with a buzz fueled by adrenaline and necessity...this is a big task, get started now, it's going to take a long time, you can get it done, set a time limit...I will be finished in 3 hours...that's the goal...three hours...get ready...go...

Only I didn't go. All the sudden I thought, This is a much bigger job than I have time for! Which was followed by another thought...Wait...what do I have to do after this?

Enter epiphany: There wasn't anything I had to do after the kitchen cleaning. Sure, there were things I could do, but nothing had a deadline. This is the exact moment I'd wanted my entire teaching career -- the moment of no obligations just choices. I had no papers to grade. I had no emails to parents to answer. I had no field trips to plan or lessons to lay out for the week. I had no administrative paperwork to complete. There was nothing accept that which I chose to do.

Hell yes I had time to reorganize the kitchen. Hell yes, I could take my time completing the job and better yet, I could enjoy each minute because I'd chosen the endeavor and there was no time limit imposed by the what-I-had-to-do-next feeling. Throughout my teaching career, I'd felt as if I could never fully breathe. I've written about it a million times and there I was, standing in the middle of the kitchen, breathing and deciding and finally relaxing into the moment -- a moment unencumbered by the moments that were to follow.

I liked the feeling very much so when I read my email and saw the posting for the Dean of Faculty job I felt a conundrum: IF I ventured back into the world of teaching (albeit part time) and take on the new administrative tasks outlined in the job description, would I lose this feeling?

"I don't want you to work full time," Ann said to me yesterday afternoon.

"Why?" I asked.

"I like that you cook and clean," she smiled.

We have an on-going joke about my current role as stay-at-home wife and mother, but I knew this was her way of saying I was a nicer, less stressed out person.

"You're just getting started," she added.

This was reference to my business as a freelance writer and a dog walker. I love Ann's perspective. I don't feel at all that I've just gotten started. I feel like it's taken a long time to get this business off the ground and only recently has it even shown signs of possibly lifting one heel off the ground. "I think you need to give yourself more time to see how it goes," Ann suggested.

"But what about money?" I asked, for this is ALWAYS my concern, but I didn't give her time to answer. "I could always tutor on top of the writing and dog walking. I'm certain I could get some clients if I offered myself as a tutor."

Ann is both pragmatic and encouraging. "I don't think you've really given yourself enough time to really know if you could make a living outside of teaching."

She's right, of course, and frankly I haven't done much to promote myself. So yesterday, after reorganizing the kitchen and discussing my options with Ann, I went on a long walk with the dog. Walking clears my head. Walking gives me ideas. Walking is the best way I know of meditating, something I'm never able to do if I'm asked to just sit and breathe. And this is what I decided:

I will not make a decision until I've gathered together more information. I will talk with the Assistant Head of School and see if he can give me a better feeling for exactly what the job is all about. I will talk with my former teaching partner about the possibility of sharing the job. I will work on advertising myself as a dog walker, a tutor, and a freelance writer. I will let the decision come to me naturally and not out of some panicked desire to get to the next thing. I will not worry about money until there is no money available -- then I will worry, but only then.

So today I am printing out more business cards. I will make the rounds this week to all the pet stores, vet clinics, schools, and even post an ad on Craig's List advertising myself as a dog walker, tutor, and freelance writer. I will finally fill out the business license. I will work on my book idea and begin interviewing people for the stories I have in mind.

IF the job as Dean of Faculty works out, so be it, but I will not hold my breath. Not again.

I like this breathing thing. I'm not about to let it go.