On Second Thought

It crossed my mind today that maybe I don't want to be a dog walker. For those who know me well, this second guessing comes as no shock since I'm always doubting my decisions. But today, while walking only 3 dogs, I thought, "Maybe this isn't what I want to be doing."

Of course, I'm sick with some laryngitis thingy, am feeling overwhelmed by both teaching part-time and owning my own dog walking business, and have realized that owning one's own business means it's really difficult to call in sick. Perhaps this isn't the best time to be second guessing myself, but it's against my nature not to so here I go.

What I miss this year (as opposed to last year when I was just freelance writing and walking dogs) is the extra time I had in my life for things like cooking, cleaning, paying bills, and just thinking. I miss the thinking the most -- those quiet times in the morning when I could really stretch out and collect my thoughts. I don't have that anymore, which is probably partly the reason I am sick and partly the reason for my second thoughts.

So today I thought, "How do I get that back? How do I get that time back to write, to read, to think?" I could quit teaching, though that won't happen until next June since I can't really abandon my contract. Or I could quit dog walking and just teach part time. But here's the irony of it all -- dog walking gives me the physical stimulation I need as well as the time to really think about my writing and my life. Teaching sucks it out of me and by "it" I mean everything that grounds me.

Even this year. I'm only teaching a minimal amount and already it feels consuming. And the weird thing is, I'm not really into it. I go in, do my job, but nothing feels like it's on fire and that's the part I used to really like about teaching -- being on fire. Of course, being on fire is probably what literally burned me out because frankly, no one can sustain that kind of energy for very long. I'm living proof.

So now, between the walking dogs all day long and the teaching in the mornings, I'm back to that place I was before where there's no time for me. No time for thinking. No time to relax. No time to breathe. No time for doctor's appointments or going to the post office or shopping at the Farmer's Market.

No wonder I'm sick. And I know better. Don't make decisions when you feel crappy because the decision will always end up being crappy.

So I shall go to bed. I shall sleep. I shall shake this thing and get through what needs to be gotten through. No more second thoughts. I just need to find time for the first ones, then I can have the second ones!